Steampunk Metropolis World Cup - Competitors Chosen!

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Cast your fine eye over the list below, gentle reader, for it contains the names of sixteen cities branded into our global heritage. Some of the names are redolent with history, or culture. Some are synonymous with great economic riches - or the opposite; terrible poverty.

One thing is certain about all of them, however. By the end of this year, after the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, only one will still exist. The other fifteen will have been defeated and destroyed, their industrial, military, economic and agricultural resources picked clean. Millions of people will be dead. So read the list, gentle reader. Read, and wonder how we came to this point, where the finest minds in the world have agreed that the only possible solution to global over-population is a series of one-to-one death matches between sixteen rival cities until only one remains.

1. Addis Ababa
2. Beijing
3. Buenos Aires
4. Dubai
5. Ho Chi Minh City
6. Istanbul
7. Johannesburg
8. London
9. Madrid
10. Mexico City
11. Mumbai
12. New York
13. Toronto
14. Sydney
15. Tokyo
16. Tripoli

Read the list one more time, gentle reader. And while you read, remember this: next year, we will have to print the names of another sixteen cities.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Cities Chosen!

Monday, September 27th, 2010

At last we know the identities of all sixteen cities that will be taking part in the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup. In a live, radio- and tele-grammed ceremony, with mayors of all cities in attendance, the final fourteen names were pulled from the hats of renowned bookmakers Mr Proctor and Sons.

Mr Proctor

The first mega-city to join London and New York drew slightly raised eyebrows from Mr Proctor, for with over 34 million people, it is the one metropolis London and New York feared: Tokyo, the largest moving mega city in the world, with a strong tradition of Gothic- and Manga- inspired Steampunk.

Mr Proctor’s sons then drew from their own hats the cities of Dubai and Tripoli. While still harbouring riches from its age of plenty, Dubai is widely considered to pose no real threat, and will likely fall to the first mega-city it has to face. When Tripoli’s name was read out, London Mayor Joris Bohnson was heard to whisper to an aide, “I hope we get them.”

Mr Proctor then announced the name of the fifth city: Buenos Aires, whose population of 13.5 million exceeds London’s by one million.

The next two cities were Ontario and Johannesburg. No one said anything about Toronto - no one knows anything about Torontoo - but many people predict Johannesburg could cause a major upset.

From this point, Mr Proctor and sons alternated between drawing one mega city and one lesser metropolis. In order, the remaining eight places in the Steampunk World Cup went to: Mumbai, Addis Ababa, Mexico City, Ho Chi Minh City, Beijing, Madrid, Istanbul and Sydney.

We will analyse what all this means in the next post, but one thing is for certain. After the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, fifteen of the sixteen cities taking part will no longer exist.

Population crisis? What population crisis?!

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Excitement (Fear?) Grows Over Steampunk World Cup

Friday, September 24th, 2010

With three days to go before the draw for the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, global tension is mounting. We already know London and New York will be taking place, and around the world, citizens of smaller cities fear being devoured if they battle against them.

Even larger mega-metropolises, such as Tokyo and Guangzhou, can not relish the thought of duelling against the former UK’s capital, or the might of New York City.

Fourteen cities are yet to be named for this year’s Steampunk World Cup. They will be drawn from several hats belonging to famous bookmakers Mr Proctor and Sons. As two mega-cities have already been chosen, only six more mega-metropolises face selection. All mega-cities will be drawn from the hat of Mr Proctor himself.

Will Mr Proctor and sons choose traditional top hats, or something with a more exotic, international flavour?

The remaining eight cities, will be chosen from Mr Proctor’s sons’ hats, which have been organised into continental groups. Only one city from each former nation can participate in the same year’s Steampunk World Cup.

Mega-cities are defined as moving metroplises with populations above 10 million. In all subsequent Steampunk World Cups, only four mega-cities will take part, but it was agreed that as a quick antidote to the problem of over-population, eight of the most populated cities in the world should participate.

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First U.S. City Chosen For Steampunk World Cup

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

The first American city to partcipate in the inaugural Steampunk World Cup was chosen yesterday.

The names of every American moving metropolis were put into the top hat of the famous Mr Proctor, renowned bookmaker. Mr Proctor drew the name, which drew gasps when it was announced, for it was than New York, the city with the largest population in the former United States.

New York Mayor Blichael Moomberg

New York Mayor, Mr Blichael Moomberg, said of the draw, “We were going to have to participate at some point. This will give New York a chance to start preparations early. If we win, and I confidently predict we will win, we will assimilate the technologies and resources of all our rivals - and their surviving citizens. If there are any survivors,” he added chillingly.

Joris Bohnson, mayor of London, the only other metropolis to be chosen so far, snorted off Mr Moomberg’s remarks. “New York? Ha-rumph! The mother-city will triumph over its wayward former child. Or in good old American plain speaking, let us at ‘em!”

The remaining fourteen cities to participate in this year’s Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will be selected from several of Mr Proctor’s hats next week.

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“Bring it on!” - Mayor Joris Bohnson

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

The Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation has announced that London will be the first city to compete in the competition.

Looking shaken but determined after the Federation’s announcement last night, London Mayor Joris Bohnson said, “This is a dark, deceitful day for democracy. Why should London be automatically chosen when every other city in the world has a one in five thousand chance?”

Joris Bohnson, Creator of the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup

“We had no choice,” Mosni Hubarek, Mayor of Cairo, said in response. “The minute Joris said London should be excluded for the first few years because he thought of the idea for the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, we were under pressure to ensure London did not cheat its way out of the process.”

This morning, the Mayor of London’s Office issued a statement saying:

“We still don’t think it’s fair, but since the decision’s made, and the World Cup is approaching, at least we know for sure that we need to begin preparing for our first deathmatch. Bring it on!”

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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup - Host Nation Announced!

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

The US Badlands - venue for the inaugural Steampunk World Cup

It’s official! The inauguaral Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will be held in the area formerly known as the Mid-Western United States, now termed the Badlands. Other areas that had been considered by the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation were the Desert, the Mongolian Steppes and the Australian Bush.

“They’re all good venues,” Bilvio Serlosconi of the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation said yesterday. “But we thought hosting the inaugural event in what used to be the United States would add some -ah, how you say? - traditional American razzmatazz. You know, with the cheerleaders and everything.” The Rome Mayor paused for a moment before adding, “I love cheerleaders.”  

One thing for sure now is that one of the many hundreds of roving American metropolises will have to be chosen to particpate in the first Steampunk World Cup, as this was always an agreed condition of hosting the event. With only fifteen places now open, many non-American citizens will be relieved that the odds of their cities being chosen are now significantly reduced.

There is also added speculation that London will be automatically selected to compete in the first year because of Mayor Joris Bohnson’s outspoken remarks. Earlier this year, Mayor Bohnson suggested that London might be excluded from the first few Steampunk Metropolis World Cups because the whole thing was his idea.

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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup - Preparations Continue

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

The inaugural Steampunk World Cup will start later this year. With only sixteen cities allowed to compete annually, speculation has been mounting over what system will be used to select the participating metropolises.

“It will be a combination of a lucky dip and string-pulling among the Extraordinary Gentlemen’s Network,” London bookmakers Mr. Proctor and Sons predicted yesterday.

London Mayor Joris Bohnson responded angrily to allegations that the most powerful Metropolis Mayors would attempt to sway the choice of cities to ensure their own cities will not compete.

“Har-rumph! Utter twaddle! The sixteen cities will be chosen fairly, with every city having an equal chance of selection. Although… a-hem. I suppose it would make sense if London were excluded for the first few years. The Steampunk Metroplis World Cup is my vision, after all. I should probably be on hand for a while to ensure everything is running smoothly.”

As the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will consist of a series of one-on-one deathmatches between various roving cities, with the fifteen losing competitors facing utter annihilation, Mayor Bohnson’s sudden reluctance to take part can perhaps be understood.

Last night, however, outrage at the London Mayor’s remarks spread around the world. Over four hundred cities have lodged official complaints with the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation. Many cities are even demanding that London’s name should be automatically thrown into the ring, to demonstrate that there is no hint of corruption in the way cities are chosen.

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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup to Cure World’s Ills

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

So now we know, gentle readers. After months of seclusion in what used to be the Amazon Delta region, but is now a blackened heap of slurry, the Metroplis Mayors have finally announced the results of their Extraordinary Steampunk Convention.

Joris Bohnson, Creator of the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup

And as London Mayor Joris Bohnson promised three months ago, it’s more startling than anyone predicted. More startling even than the bookmaker’s favourite theory - building giant space bicycles and riding them to the moon.

Indeed, as Mayor Bohnson promised, the idea has all the hallmarks of being one of his schemes. In a recent press conference, the London mayor stated that all society’s ills were caused by the fact there are simply too many moving metroplises, each supporting too many people. A leaked memo around the same time, widely believed to have been misplaced by Mayor Bohnson, supported his theory.

The League of Gentlemen have passed into International Law an annual Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, which sixteen cities will be chosen by lottery to compete in. The sixteen cities will fight in a series of death match duels, with the winning city qualifying for the next stage of the competition and the losing city being assimilated and devoured by it’s conqueror. Any discarded remnants will be picked over by watching metroplises.

“This exciting solution will solve the problem of over-population,” London Mayor Joris Bohnson beamed yesterday. “After all, every year, millions of people will die in each successive Steampunk Metroplis World Cup. But not only that! The Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will bring a real sense of excitement and danger back to our jaded, cushioned lives. For the first time in decades, human beings will have to fight for survival. Life doesn’t get more exciting than that.”

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Solution to Steampunk Society’s Population Crisis

Monday, September 6th, 2010

At last, our long wait could soon be over! After months of deadlock in the Extraordinary Steampunk Convention, global excitement is growing as rumours of a possible agreement continue to spread.

Do the mayors intend to reforest the world?

Many people have speculated that the meeting of over a thousand mega-metropolis mayors has been stuck in a deathly stalemate between those who support London Mayor Joris Bohnson’s “Startling Solution,” and those who are bitterly opposed to it. Listed below are the most betted upon speculative solutions, as compiled by Bookmakers Mr Proctor and Sons.

1. Build a Giant Bicycle and Ride it to the Moon. Knowing Mayor Bohnson’s penchant for schemes involving bicycles, this remains the firm favourite.

2. Manufacture a series of floating islands that will stay on the surface of the Earth’s oceans even as sea levels continue to rise.

3. Reforest the world again using giant tree planting monolithic planting machines.

4. One child policy. Under this scheme, every woman would only be allowed to give birth to one child. Knowing Mayor Bohnson as we do, this is an outside bet at best - his various liasons have resulted in several babies - and would also fail to have any positive effect in time to stop the world from suffocating.

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Leaked Memo at Steampunk Convention

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

The Metropolis mayors have been in their Steampunk Convention for three months. Until now, there has been no clue as to how their talks are progressing. However, a leaked memo has emerged that suggests it has taken this long for the mayors of our great, moving metropolises just to agree the problems that our planet faces.

The memo, dated as recently as today, is scrawled in faded ink, and difficult to read due to the unconventional formation of many letters says that:

Finally! All (indecipherable) agreed except for (blotched stain - possibly tea). These are the problems we need to solve:

• No more trees converting carbon dioxide into oxygen
• Overpopulation - soon, there won’t be enough breathable air to go round
• Mega-metropolises roving around the world, devouring resources
• TOO MANY mega-metropolises still existing. Assimilation of smaller cities by larger cities did not occur as expected
• Environmental decay caused by Industrialisation
• Global warming
• Rising sea levels

When questioned about the memo, Mayor Joris Bohnson of London looked alarmed and patted his waistcoat pockets: “Well, ha-rumph, it was important to agree the problems. Otherwise, how can we solve them? Looking for, ah, looking for… Hang it all. Anyway, the moving metropolises are the key to it all. Can’t seem to find it. Strange. Could have sworn…”

Joris Bohnson, looking for a piece of paper?

When asked whether the Steampunk Convention has yet to discuss a solution to the problem, Mayor Bohnson raised a finger in the air. “Hah! What do you think we do in there all day? Drink tea and eat sandwiches? A solution has definitely been broached - by none other than yours truly, actually - and it’s a humdinger!”

When pressed for details, Mayor Bohnson beat a hasty retreat, but not before promising: “Bah-harumph! For all your speculative blatherings, none of you will predict what I have in mind!”

Earlier this year, Mayor Bohnson’s most recent initiative - the cheap hiring of “5000 public bikes” - was deemed a failure when none of them could be found.

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