Steampunk Surrender Shock - Dubai v Johannesburg

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

The white flag waved from the world's tallest building. But who was the brave soul doing the waving?

In a shock development last night in the Steampunk World Cup, Dubai conceded defeat to Johannesburg before hostilities had even begun!

The moment the bout started, Dubai, which had looked wary in the build-up to the deathmatch, waved a white flag from its mayor’s office in the penthouse of the Burk Khalifa.

“This is totally against the spirit of the Steampunk World Cup!” London Mayor Joris Bohnson spluttered in outrage after Johannesburg had accepted Dubai’s surrender. “The two metropolises must have been in secret talks before the deathmatch.”

“As two of the lesser fancied cities in this tournament, we both stood to go out - by which I mean we both faced utter destruction - if not in the first round against each other, then certainly in the Quarter-Finals, against London or Istanbul,” Mashid Al Raktoum, the Dubai Mayor, said in response to Mayor Bohnson’s outburst. “Now, our two cities can join resources, and populations.”

While Dubai’s capitulation might be against the purpose of the Steampunk World Cup, it is hard to agree with Joris Bohnson that there is any kind of spirit to it at all. The Steampunk World Cup’s purpose is to reduce the world’s population through a series of deathmatches between moving metropolises. It’s hard to achieve an esprit de corps with such an ultimately demoralising goal.

Here at Steampunk World Cup Watch, we suspect the Mayor Bohnson’s outrage stems more from the fact that should London defeat Istanbul in the first round, Londoners no longer face an easy Quarter-Final against comparitive Steampunk minnows Johannesburg or Dubai. Instead, both cities will line up against what could be a badly wounded London following what many expect to be an epic clash with Istanbul - if London survives at all.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk World Cup - New York v Sydney

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

Sydney Harbour Bridge was captured more or less intact. What will New Yorkers do with it?

The first death match of the Steampunk World Cup was played out today in the chokeholes of the US Badlands, where the earth is scorched black and no rain has fallen for over two decades.

Liquid moistened the ground there yesterday, when New York City battled Sydney - but it was red, and mostly Australian.

Tournament favourites New York City arrived at the arena late, thus allowing underdog rival Sydney to occupy a strong position on higher ground, with the sun behind.

Sydneyite celebrations at this early tactical victory were squashed as New York scurried forward on scores of spindly skyscraper legs. Sydney launched a defensive bombardment of cannonfire from the top of its great bridge; the sight was spectacular, and reminiscent of the great firework display to mark the Millenium Celebrations. Barrage after barrage landed in the heart of New York’s nerve centre, Manhattan, destroying buildings and creating huge craters in the road surfaces.

But while that defensive bombardment was Sydney’s visual highlight of the bout, it in no way slowed New York’s advance. The moment the American city closed in on the much smaller Australian one, New Yorkers swarmed across to launch furious pitch battles. Overhead cameras wielded by brave ornithopter pilots captured scenes of vicious fighting, also displaying how desperately outnumbered the Australians were.

The battle raged for six hours, longer than some people predicted, before the first Australian white flags were waved. The rules of each deathmatch state that fighting must continue until the white flag of surrender flies over the headquarters of each city’s mayor. Sydney Mayor Gulie Jillard - a woman! -  held out for ten full hours before finally conceding defeat to Blichael Moomberg, the New York City Mayor.

Despite heavy losses, pockets of Australians continued fighting; many more begged for New York Citizenship. Many more died, or were left dying on the desert sand.

A jubilant but exhausted Blichael Moomberg said after the victory: “Our casualties were minimal, our gains were high. What more could we want?”

For Sydney, the opposite was true.  Estimates are still flying, but it is possible up to half a million Sydneyites died.

New York now has twenty-four hours to pick over Sydney’s broken remains before other, spectator metroplises can scavenge over the carrion.

Sydney’s shattered survivors are now left to rue their fate as much lower class citizens of New York or any of the watching, scavenger cities. An even worse fate awaits those who are not accepted as citizens of any cities: there is no shelter from the sun in the US Badlands. None at all.

New York City will next face the winners of either Buenos Aries or Johannesburg. Based on yesterday’s performance, New Yorkers won’t care who they face.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk World Cup - Our Tips For the Semi-Finals

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Can London progress beyond its first death match against Istanbul?

The Steampunk World Cup officially started yesterday in a formal ceremony attended by mayors of every moving metropolis in the world. Pride of place went to the sixteen mayors whose cities will battle to the death over the coming weeks.

Below, we give our thoughts on the coming tournament, and predict the four semi-finalists - with one huge surprise.

The Smaller Cities

The less-populated cities will not last long, and we predict quick, and quite possibly brutal, ends to Toronto, Sydney, Dubai and Tripoli. But will they fight, or surrender swiftly in order to preserve as many lives as possible?

Top Half of the Draw

After seeing off Sydney, we predict New York will progress to a death match against Buenos Aries. After seeing the former Argentinian capital off, New York will battle against Tokyo in the first semi-final. Many people consider Tokyo’s third seeding a travesty, and would have liked to see a New York-Tokyo final. As it is, this semi-final is too close to call. It is hard to believe, however, that in a few weeks time, only one of these two mighty cities will survive.

Bottom Half of the Draw

Replete with no less than five of the tournaments eight mega-metropolises, both semi-finalists in this half of the draw will have faced at least one tough battle before they face each other. We predict Beijing (seeded second) will beat Ontario, and will then go onto a quarter-final against Mexico City or Mumbai. That will be a much harder fight, but Beijing should limp through - but will the former Chinese capital face London?

London’s position in the tournament has been controversial from the start, when mayor Joris Bohnson first proposed the idea of a Steampunk World Cup of metropolis death matches to solve the world’s over-population crisis. Then Mayor Bohnson said London should be excluded from the first few tournaments because the whole thing was his idea.

In response, the Steampunk federation insisted that London take the first of sixteen places in the first tournament. Then London was given the fourth seed in the tournament, ensuring it would not have to face New York, Beijing or Tokyo until the semi-finals. While Mayor Bohnson argued furiously that London should have been seeded higher, the rest of the world was stunned London had been seeded at all.

Ironically, in the first round London faces Istanbul, the city most people believe should have received the final seeding. We predict an Istanbul win, as Mayor Bohnson’s taunting of that city -calling it Constantinople - backfires. After that, Istanbul should beat Johannesburg or Dubai in the Quarter-Finals, if it isn’t weakened too greatly by its battle with London, which should all put the former Turkish city on course for a semi-final showdown with the mighty Beijing.

So, to summarise: our predictions for the semi-finals are New York v Tokyo and Beijing v Istanbul. Our prediction for best match of the tournament? If all goes to plan, the first semi-final. New York v Tokyo! Can’t wait!

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Istanbul, Not Constantinople

Friday, October 8th, 2010

Istanbul, Not Constantinople!

London Mayor Joris Bohnson stirred up fresh controversy last night as he appeared to engage in mind-games with London’s first round death match opponents Istanbul. In what started out as an honest and candid interview, Mr. Bohnson shook his head sorrowfully and said:

 ”If the Steampunk Metropolis Federation had issued seedings up to eighth place, Constantinople would have been fifth. We Londoners will have to be at the top of our game to defeat this great city.” 

When corrected that it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople, the London Mayor ran a hand through his tousled blonde hair. “What? When did this happen?”

When told it was sometime after the Siege of Constantinople almost six hundred years ago, Mr Bohnson asked, “But why did they change it’s name?” He then answered his own question, adding: “Forget it. That’s nobody’s business but the Turks.”

Eryyip Tadogan, Mayor of Istanbul, responded angrily to Bohnson’s display of apparent ignorance. “Mr Bohnson know our city’s name very well,” he stormed last night. “And if he doesn’t, I assure you he will when our two cities face each other across the wasted Badlands of our deathmatch arena.”

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk World Cup Draw Announced!

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

The draw for the inaugural Steampunk World Cup was made last night in a lavishly formal ceremony in the heart of the US Badlands, where each Metropolis Death Match will take place. The four top seeds - New York, Beiing, Tokyo and London - have been kept apart until the semi-final stage, but London’s route through the competition is a difficult one: in the first round, the former capital of the United Kingdom will face Istanbul, one of the toughest non-seeded cities in the competition , with a great Steampunk tradition.

If London does defeat Istanbul, it will lumber - surely damaged and wounded - into the next round, where it will face either Johannesburg or Dubai. After that, the second seed, Beijing, awaits in the Semis.

Listed below is the full draw for the first round:

TOP HALF OF THE DRAW

Match 1 - NEW YORK (1) v Sydney                          winners will play the winners of:

Match 2 - Buenos Aries v Ho Chi Minh City

Match 3 - TOKYO (3) v Tripoli                                winners will play the winners of:

Match 4 - Madrid v Addis Ababa

BOTTOM HALF OF THE DRAW

Match 5 - BEIJING (2) v Toronto                              winners will play the winners of:

Match 6 - Mexico City v Mumbai

Match 7 - LONDON (4) v Istanbul                           winners will play the winners of:

Match 8 - Dubai v Johannesburg

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk World Cup - Seedings

Saturday, October 2nd, 2010

Great excitement ensued yesterday as the seedings for the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup were announced. The four top seeds will not face each other until the semi-final stage at the earliest. There has been huge speculation about which cities the Steampunk World Cup Federation would agree should be seeded, but in the end, the identity of the four seeds provided no great surprises:

1. New York
2. Beijing
3. Tokyo
4. London

More startling is the order of the seedings, with Beijing ranking higher than London and Tokyo, both of which have strong Steampunk heritages.

Wild scenes of jubilation occurred in New York yesterday. One excited citizen said. “The Extraordinary Gentlemen have confirmed what we already knew. With the Steampunk World Cup taking place in the United States of America’s Badlands, any American city has to be favourite, whether it’s Boston, Seattle or LA. The fact is, New York is the biggest city. With the home advantage as well, we’re bound to win.”

Joris Bhonson

With the various gangs of New York uniting to display a firm sense of resolve before the Steampunk Metropolis World begins, it’s hard to disagree. However, we did find one dissenting voice - that of London Extraordinary Gentleman Joris Bhonson.

“Bah -hurumph! The seedings are an overly-inflated haversack of twaddle!” Mayor Bhonson bombasted yesterday. “Do you really think Beijing should have ranked higher than London? Dark, deceitful forces are at work here - but I and my fellow Londoners intend to cast an illuminative light of such magnitude over the whole competition that all other cities will scuttle and scurry back to the dark, infested caverns they first crawled from.  And I include New York in that prophecy.”

Only one mobilised city will survive the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup. All other, losing cities and their inhabitants will be destroyed and devoured, first by their victorious opponents, then by watching spectator cities hovering nearby, who are expected to pick off any remaining scraps of technology, fuel or food.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup - Competitors Chosen!

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Cast your fine eye over the list below, gentle reader, for it contains the names of sixteen cities branded into our global heritage. Some of the names are redolent with history, or culture. Some are synonymous with great economic riches - or the opposite; terrible poverty.

One thing is certain about all of them, however. By the end of this year, after the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, only one will still exist. The other fifteen will have been defeated and destroyed, their industrial, military, economic and agricultural resources picked clean. Millions of people will be dead. So read the list, gentle reader. Read, and wonder how we came to this point, where the finest minds in the world have agreed that the only possible solution to global over-population is a series of one-to-one death matches between sixteen rival cities until only one remains.

1. Addis Ababa
2. Beijing
3. Buenos Aires
4. Dubai
5. Ho Chi Minh City
6. Istanbul
7. Johannesburg
8. London
9. Madrid
10. Mexico City
11. Mumbai
12. New York
13. Toronto
14. Sydney
15. Tokyo
16. Tripoli

Read the list one more time, gentle reader. And while you read, remember this: next year, we will have to print the names of another sixteen cities.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Cities Chosen!

Monday, September 27th, 2010

At last we know the identities of all sixteen cities that will be taking part in the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup. In a live, radio- and tele-grammed ceremony, with mayors of all cities in attendance, the final fourteen names were pulled from the hats of renowned bookmakers Mr Proctor and Sons.

Mr Proctor

The first mega-city to join London and New York drew slightly raised eyebrows from Mr Proctor, for with over 34 million people, it is the one metropolis London and New York feared: Tokyo, the largest moving mega city in the world, with a strong tradition of Gothic- and Manga- inspired Steampunk.

Mr Proctor’s sons then drew from their own hats the cities of Dubai and Tripoli. While still harbouring riches from its age of plenty, Dubai is widely considered to pose no real threat, and will likely fall to the first mega-city it has to face. When Tripoli’s name was read out, London Mayor Joris Bohnson was heard to whisper to an aide, “I hope we get them.”

Mr Proctor then announced the name of the fifth city: Buenos Aires, whose population of 13.5 million exceeds London’s by one million.

The next two cities were Ontario and Johannesburg. No one said anything about Toronto - no one knows anything about Torontoo - but many people predict Johannesburg could cause a major upset.

From this point, Mr Proctor and sons alternated between drawing one mega city and one lesser metropolis. In order, the remaining eight places in the Steampunk World Cup went to: Mumbai, Addis Ababa, Mexico City, Ho Chi Minh City, Beijing, Madrid, Istanbul and Sydney.

We will analyse what all this means in the next post, but one thing is for certain. After the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, fifteen of the sixteen cities taking part will no longer exist.

Population crisis? What population crisis?!

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Excitement (Fear?) Grows Over Steampunk World Cup

Friday, September 24th, 2010

With three days to go before the draw for the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, global tension is mounting. We already know London and New York will be taking place, and around the world, citizens of smaller cities fear being devoured if they battle against them.

Even larger mega-metropolises, such as Tokyo and Guangzhou, can not relish the thought of duelling against the former UK’s capital, or the might of New York City.

Fourteen cities are yet to be named for this year’s Steampunk World Cup. They will be drawn from several hats belonging to famous bookmakers Mr Proctor and Sons. As two mega-cities have already been chosen, only six more mega-metropolises face selection. All mega-cities will be drawn from the hat of Mr Proctor himself.

Will Mr Proctor and sons choose traditional top hats, or something with a more exotic, international flavour?

The remaining eight cities, will be chosen from Mr Proctor’s sons’ hats, which have been organised into continental groups. Only one city from each former nation can participate in the same year’s Steampunk World Cup.

Mega-cities are defined as moving metroplises with populations above 10 million. In all subsequent Steampunk World Cups, only four mega-cities will take part, but it was agreed that as a quick antidote to the problem of over-population, eight of the most populated cities in the world should participate.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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First U.S. City Chosen For Steampunk World Cup

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

The first American city to partcipate in the inaugural Steampunk World Cup was chosen yesterday.

The names of every American moving metropolis were put into the top hat of the famous Mr Proctor, renowned bookmaker. Mr Proctor drew the name, which drew gasps when it was announced, for it was than New York, the city with the largest population in the former United States.

New York Mayor Blichael Moomberg

New York Mayor, Mr Blichael Moomberg, said of the draw, “We were going to have to participate at some point. This will give New York a chance to start preparations early. If we win, and I confidently predict we will win, we will assimilate the technologies and resources of all our rivals - and their surviving citizens. If there are any survivors,” he added chillingly.

Joris Bohnson, mayor of London, the only other metropolis to be chosen so far, snorted off Mr Moomberg’s remarks. “New York? Ha-rumph! The mother-city will triumph over its wayward former child. Or in good old American plain speaking, let us at ‘em!”

The remaining fourteen cities to participate in this year’s Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will be selected from several of Mr Proctor’s hats next week.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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