“Bring it on!” - Mayor Joris Bohnson

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

The Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation has announced that London will be the first city to compete in the competition.

Looking shaken but determined after the Federation’s announcement last night, London Mayor Joris Bohnson said, “This is a dark, deceitful day for democracy. Why should London be automatically chosen when every other city in the world has a one in five thousand chance?”

Joris Bohnson, Creator of the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup

“We had no choice,” Mosni Hubarek, Mayor of Cairo, said in response. “The minute Joris said London should be excluded for the first few years because he thought of the idea for the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, we were under pressure to ensure London did not cheat its way out of the process.”

This morning, the Mayor of London’s Office issued a statement saying:

“We still don’t think it’s fair, but since the decision’s made, and the World Cup is approaching, at least we know for sure that we need to begin preparing for our first deathmatch. Bring it on!”

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup - Host Nation Announced!

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

The US Badlands - venue for the inaugural Steampunk World Cup

It’s official! The inauguaral Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will be held in the area formerly known as the Mid-Western United States, now termed the Badlands. Other areas that had been considered by the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation were the Desert, the Mongolian Steppes and the Australian Bush.

“They’re all good venues,” Bilvio Serlosconi of the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation said yesterday. “But we thought hosting the inaugural event in what used to be the United States would add some -ah, how you say? - traditional American razzmatazz. You know, with the cheerleaders and everything.” The Rome Mayor paused for a moment before adding, “I love cheerleaders.”  

One thing for sure now is that one of the many hundreds of roving American metropolises will have to be chosen to particpate in the first Steampunk World Cup, as this was always an agreed condition of hosting the event. With only fifteen places now open, many non-American citizens will be relieved that the odds of their cities being chosen are now significantly reduced.

There is also added speculation that London will be automatically selected to compete in the first year because of Mayor Joris Bohnson’s outspoken remarks. Earlier this year, Mayor Bohnson suggested that London might be excluded from the first few Steampunk Metropolis World Cups because the whole thing was his idea.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup - Preparations Continue

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

The inaugural Steampunk World Cup will start later this year. With only sixteen cities allowed to compete annually, speculation has been mounting over what system will be used to select the participating metropolises.

“It will be a combination of a lucky dip and string-pulling among the Extraordinary Gentlemen’s Network,” London bookmakers Mr. Proctor and Sons predicted yesterday.

London Mayor Joris Bohnson responded angrily to allegations that the most powerful Metropolis Mayors would attempt to sway the choice of cities to ensure their own cities will not compete.

“Har-rumph! Utter twaddle! The sixteen cities will be chosen fairly, with every city having an equal chance of selection. Although… a-hem. I suppose it would make sense if London were excluded for the first few years. The Steampunk Metroplis World Cup is my vision, after all. I should probably be on hand for a while to ensure everything is running smoothly.”

As the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will consist of a series of one-on-one deathmatches between various roving cities, with the fifteen losing competitors facing utter annihilation, Mayor Bohnson’s sudden reluctance to take part can perhaps be understood.

Last night, however, outrage at the London Mayor’s remarks spread around the world. Over four hundred cities have lodged official complaints with the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup Federation. Many cities are even demanding that London’s name should be automatically thrown into the ring, to demonstrate that there is no hint of corruption in the way cities are chosen.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup to Cure World’s Ills

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

So now we know, gentle readers. After months of seclusion in what used to be the Amazon Delta region, but is now a blackened heap of slurry, the Metroplis Mayors have finally announced the results of their Extraordinary Steampunk Convention.

Joris Bohnson, Creator of the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup

And as London Mayor Joris Bohnson promised three months ago, it’s more startling than anyone predicted. More startling even than the bookmaker’s favourite theory - building giant space bicycles and riding them to the moon.

Indeed, as Mayor Bohnson promised, the idea has all the hallmarks of being one of his schemes. In a recent press conference, the London mayor stated that all society’s ills were caused by the fact there are simply too many moving metroplises, each supporting too many people. A leaked memo around the same time, widely believed to have been misplaced by Mayor Bohnson, supported his theory.

The League of Gentlemen have passed into International Law an annual Steampunk Metropolis World Cup, which sixteen cities will be chosen by lottery to compete in. The sixteen cities will fight in a series of death match duels, with the winning city qualifying for the next stage of the competition and the losing city being assimilated and devoured by it’s conqueror. Any discarded remnants will be picked over by watching metroplises.

“This exciting solution will solve the problem of over-population,” London Mayor Joris Bohnson beamed yesterday. “After all, every year, millions of people will die in each successive Steampunk Metroplis World Cup. But not only that! The Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will bring a real sense of excitement and danger back to our jaded, cushioned lives. For the first time in decades, human beings will have to fight for survival. Life doesn’t get more exciting than that.”

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Solution to Steampunk Society’s Population Crisis

Monday, September 6th, 2010

At last, our long wait could soon be over! After months of deadlock in the Extraordinary Steampunk Convention, global excitement is growing as rumours of a possible agreement continue to spread.

Do the mayors intend to reforest the world?

Many people have speculated that the meeting of over a thousand mega-metropolis mayors has been stuck in a deathly stalemate between those who support London Mayor Joris Bohnson’s “Startling Solution,” and those who are bitterly opposed to it. Listed below are the most betted upon speculative solutions, as compiled by Bookmakers Mr Proctor and Sons.

1. Build a Giant Bicycle and Ride it to the Moon. Knowing Mayor Bohnson’s penchant for schemes involving bicycles, this remains the firm favourite.

2. Manufacture a series of floating islands that will stay on the surface of the Earth’s oceans even as sea levels continue to rise.

3. Reforest the world again using giant tree planting monolithic planting machines.

4. One child policy. Under this scheme, every woman would only be allowed to give birth to one child. Knowing Mayor Bohnson as we do, this is an outside bet at best - his various liasons have resulted in several babies - and would also fail to have any positive effect in time to stop the world from suffocating.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Leaked Memo at Steampunk Convention

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

The Metropolis mayors have been in their Steampunk Convention for three months. Until now, there has been no clue as to how their talks are progressing. However, a leaked memo has emerged that suggests it has taken this long for the mayors of our great, moving metropolises just to agree the problems that our planet faces.

The memo, dated as recently as today, is scrawled in faded ink, and difficult to read due to the unconventional formation of many letters says that:

Finally! All (indecipherable) agreed except for (blotched stain - possibly tea). These are the problems we need to solve:

• No more trees converting carbon dioxide into oxygen
• Overpopulation - soon, there won’t be enough breathable air to go round
• Mega-metropolises roving around the world, devouring resources
• TOO MANY mega-metropolises still existing. Assimilation of smaller cities by larger cities did not occur as expected
• Environmental decay caused by Industrialisation
• Global warming
• Rising sea levels

When questioned about the memo, Mayor Joris Bohnson of London looked alarmed and patted his waistcoat pockets: “Well, ha-rumph, it was important to agree the problems. Otherwise, how can we solve them? Looking for, ah, looking for… Hang it all. Anyway, the moving metropolises are the key to it all. Can’t seem to find it. Strange. Could have sworn…”

Joris Bohnson, looking for a piece of paper?

When asked whether the Steampunk Convention has yet to discuss a solution to the problem, Mayor Bohnson raised a finger in the air. “Hah! What do you think we do in there all day? Drink tea and eat sandwiches? A solution has definitely been broached - by none other than yours truly, actually - and it’s a humdinger!”

When pressed for details, Mayor Bohnson beat a hasty retreat, but not before promising: “Bah-harumph! For all your speculative blatherings, none of you will predict what I have in mind!”

Earlier this year, Mayor Bohnson’s most recent initiative - the cheap hiring of “5000 public bikes” - was deemed a failure when none of them could be found.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Venue Agreed for Steampunk Convention

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

Almost eleven months after agreeing that an Extraordinary Steampunk Convention was necessary to solve the crisis of over-population, the Metropolis Mayors have agreed on a venue for their world-saving talks.

From tomorrow, the mayors of every city of the world will direct their Metropolis navigators to plot routes to the blackened plain of stumps where once the Amazon Rainforest stood. There, with the Amazon River’s slurry sludging by, and the stink of noxious pollution ever-present to remind the mayors of the importance of their mission, they will remain locked away in seclusion until they agree a solution.

Site of the Extraordinary Convention

Responding to criticism that if it took this long just to agree a venue, they will never come up with a solution to the world’s population crisis, Paris Mayor Sicholas Narkozy said: “We didn’t just decide on a venue. Items for the agenda were also agreed.”

“And we had to agree on the sandwiches,” Joris Bhonson added.

At this, Mayor Narkozy nodded wearily. “Oui…agreeing the sandwiches took longer than you might expect…”

It is understood the mayors will have a range of sandwiches and other finger buffet food at all times during the convention.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Population Control In Our Blighted Steampunk World

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

At long last - the mayors of every major metropolis in the world have announced they are to hold an Extraordinary Steampunk Convention to try to solve the catastrophic problem of Earth’s out-of-control population. With the eight billionth living citizen expected to be born in the next two year,  and natural resources running almost to extinction - the last naturally grown tree was cut down two years ago -  it has long been agreed that something has to be done. In a month’s time, the mayors of every city in the world will come together to meet and discuss possible solutions.

“And if anyone tries to leave the convention before we’ve agreed a strategy to solve over-population, I’ll drag them back in myself!” promised Mosni Hobarek, Mayor of Cairo.

Oarak Bbama, Mayor of Washington DC, offered a more sober analysis of the difficulties facing the Metroplis Mayors: “It’s a great idea - but first we have to choose a venue,” he said with customary caution.

“Not to mention the sandwiches!” Joris Bhonson, Mayor of London uttered sotto-voice in the background.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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Steampunk Metropolis World Cup

Saturday, August 21st, 2010

Would London roll into battle in the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup on a series of enormous London Eyes?

I’m going to create a steampunk world cup for giant, moving metropolises (metropli?). But instead of playing football, the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup will involve titanic mobile cities battling to the death in county-sized arenas.

 Top seeds for the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup would have to be New York, London, Tokyo and Beijing.

Each qualifying country can only have one city representing it in each World Cup, thus ensuring the Steampunk Metropolis World Cup’s continuation in future years. If Tokyo chews up and spits out New York, the Americans can always come back in four years time riding the sprawling Los Angeles, or perhaps sashay into battle on San Francisco.

So, we already have our four favourites in New York, Tokyo, Beijing and London.

The second tier of contestants would include Paris (stalking forward on tripods shaped like the Eiffel Tower), Berlin, Seoul and Cairo (advancing on giant inverted pyramid legs).

I realise not including Mexico City or Rio De Janeiro in either the first or the second tier is controversial at this stage, but I think the South American cities’ time will come in future Steampunk Metropolis World Cups, when the developed nations have lost their own first or second cities.

Just one major question remains at this stage of the planning process. Which nation will have the honour of hosting the inaugural Steampunk Metropolis World Cup?

I’ll have to think about the next few cities, but one thing’s for sure: every game will be a killer. After all, in the Steampunk Metropolis World cup, every match will hinge on a sudden death knock-out.

Tags: Steampunk, Steampunk Metropolis World Cup
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